Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.
— Oscar Wilde.
This is the first post on my new blog. I’m just getting this new blog going, so stay tuned for more. Subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates.
Circles
I ran away.
Like you told me to.
It wasn’t that hard because I’ve been running my whole life.
Abandoning things.
Leaving people behind.
Because I hate explaining myself.
I can’t make other people understand me.
Because I don’t wanna talk.
I don’t want to remember things.
Was it that bad?
I would understand if you’d say yes.
But remember when I told you that you are making me talk?
I thought that it was special.
Maybe trying to get to know me?
But then I was wrong.
You just don’t like giving much effort to me, right?
You should have just told me in the first place.
Because I’ll understand.
It was me who wanted to leave at first.
My reason was true enough.
I gave up after three months.
Because I don’t wanna keep my hopes up.
But then everything continued between us.
That’s what I thought so.
We were done before our story could have even start.
We should turn around.
Until we’re upside down.
You weren’t the bad guy.
There were no change of seasons.
There were just coldness.
But no love.
We were both just wasting time.
I got nothing to do.
I was bored with my life.
And you were waiting for someone.
I had let you go long before.
So don’t put all the blame on you.
Now it’s my final good bye.
I’ll continue running.
I’ll continue running in circles.
Just writing
I don’t remember when was the last time I wrote something about myself. Maybe months? I don’t know.
It’s hard to be in a situation where you start invalidating your own self.
What am I even doing? Was this all I ever wanted? Am I suppose to feel this way? Is it the right thing to do?
I started questioning myself that I sometimes chose not to do anything. Just exist.
Doing something irrelevant to my being. Unnecessary work. Things that won’t remind me of being me.
Am I making even sense?
I guess not. Maybe I’ll just put this in a way how chaotic these words are in my head right now.
I’ve been through a lot no one knows about. Not because I don’t like sharing things about me but because I did hope I have someone to talk to.
Then I came up with an idea that everyone has their own baggages to carry. And that’s when I told myself it’s okay.
You have yourself.
Even though sometimes I hate seeing myself.
You cannot get away with who you are. You can try to keep out of your shell sometimes, but being away from it for a long time makes you dead. So we need to keep coming back.
Even though you will be leaving something, or someone, behind, it’s alright.
You will never know when you will get to meet again.
So maybe…
It is a good idea to keep a journal.
Write something about your day, even if you just finished one season of your favorite series.
Write something about the three good things happened, even if you just made yourself a hot coffee.
Write something about the hours you wasted looking at the ceiling the entire day.
Write something, so you could talk about it with someone someday.
Even though there are things that you wish never happened.
Now I realized what was my reason why I stopped writing.
I wished I never happened.
I was hoping of discrediting my narrative in this lifetime.
There’s nothing worth sharing about my life.
Because I regret a lot of things I did, and things I did not do.
I find it difficult to breathe, like I was gasping for more air.
That is how it was. Remembering things that caused you too much pain.
But we cannot escape forever.
We need to settle.
I should stop doing things for others.
I should stop writing for the sake of someone to read me.
I should write to understand myself.
And so I tried again.
Ending
Let me tell you a short story.
A short story that ended without happily ever after nor once upon a time.
It just happened. And it took almost forever for a girl to figure everything out.
Laying on the bed, staring blankly on the ceiling. Not minding how she would blame herself tomorrow morning again for staying up all night thinking about impossibilities.
What he said to her, made her stuck but a wish granted though it’s a year late. However, as a hopeless romantic as she is it still counts.
She finally had answers why everytime she’d look at their side, he’s ready to welcome her eyes with his stares.
She had finally figured it out why he said she wasn’t fat as other people may say to her. And that there’s nothing wrong with her body. And she unknowingly thanked him for that.
She had finally stopped wondering why she’s got sudden curious with the face of a rising star as he complimented her, telling that she looked like her when she got her new haircut after new year.
And now she knew why he said that to her on the day of their supposed to be last day of seeing each other.
She now understands how he managed to finish something that hasn’t even started yet.
Because she had finally realized that being noticed is way far different from being pursued.
Rain
“Meeting you was like an unexpected pouring rain.
At first, I appreciate your sudden presence because you suddenly changed everything around me. Just by looking and listening to every drops of you gave me enough comfort.
But then I stopped myself, took a step backward so I could get away from you, leaving a distance between us, finding my place not to get close to you. Because I know by doing that, means I will only get myself into trouble.
You were cold, and yes, you’ve succesfully made me feel that. I understand it, though.
It’s not me whom you wanted to impress, it’s not me whom you wanted to give your love.
So, I’ve decided to just watch and appreciate your sudden existence.
But you’ve found a way to get into my mind.
I could always hear you. And I always did wish for your presence. I wanted to feel your touch against my skin. And so I did what my heart wants. I took a step forward and let every drops of you get into every part of me.
Because you wouldn’t even have the idea that there’s also something getting drop from my eyes, tearing inside of me, right?”
I wrote this piece from two years ago.
And the funny thing is, its still raining.
Kung Bakit Mahimbing ang Tulog Natin sa Gabi
Kung bakit mahimbing ang tulog natin sa gabi.
Napabagsak na lang balikat si Nonoy nang makita ang kahabaan ng pila sa terminal ng dyip sa may Balintawak. Kita sa mukha ng bawat isa ang pagkainip, yamot, pagod, pawis, luha, dugo–
Saka naging malikot ang mata para hulihin ang pinanggagalingan ng amoy.
Ihaw. Laman.
Kasabay ng pagtunog ng kalamnan.
Pipila? Bibili? Kahit ano pa ‘yan, parehong naghihintay pa rin. Pero kailangan niya munang makiramdam.
Sabay kapa ng bulsa… kabado. At saka dumukot.
Munting pailaw.
Kailangan diinan muna ang pagpindot sa pipitsuging selpon para lang mabuhay ang baterya at makita ang oras.
Mag-aalas siyete na.
Gabi na rin sa wakas.
Pero hindi na talaga matiis ng binata, malapit nang lumaylay ang dila sa pinaghalong gutom at uhaw.
“Aw!”
Aso. May asong nakamasid sa tabi ng iba pang nakaupo. Halos magkulay itim na ang kulay kayumangging mga balahibo. Naghihintay. Kung sakaling may isang magpabaya at mahulog ang karne na nakatusok. Maghihintay pa. Ilang sandali pa. At saktong may nahulo– naunahan siya ng tatlong asong nag-aabang nang palihim.
Kaawa-awa.
Tinitigan pa ang mga natitirang tigpipisong barya sa palad, saka pikit matang sinabi na…
“Isang istik ng–”
“Bayan! Bayan o!”
Walang pag-aatubiling nakitakbo, nakipagsiksikan at nakipagtulakan si Nonoy.
Kalimutan na ang gutom. Mas mahalaga na makauwi sa tahanan.
Pero sa huli’y mas piniling sumabit na lamang.
Nasa ibabaw.
Mas maganda ang kita sa ibabaw. Kahit nakakapit ang halos apat na daliri na lang, mas ayos na sa mas maganda. Isa pa, makakapag-wantutri siya rito. Ganoon daw kasi ang tamang bilang, ang tamang paraan para mabuhay.
Ilang kanto pa ay nakisabay na siya sa dagsa ng pagbaba ng pasahero. Ilang lakad lang ay nakita niya na ang tirahan.
Barong barong, pero sapat na para hindi mabisto.
Mangungutang na lang siya ng pansit pang-almusal sa asawa ni Mang Chino bukas nang umaga. May mas mahalaga siyang gagawin.
Nagsimula na siya sa pagpukpok.
Paglinya.
At paghigop.
Nakatanaw.
Natatanaw na ang mga namumulang mata, sa liwanag ng puting buwan ay makikita ang tingkad ng asul na kalangitan, kasabay ng pagkinang ng mga bituin.
Sa wakas, makikita niya nang muli ang Inay. Matagal na siyang naulila. Ni hindi niya na maalala kahit ang ngiti nito.
Walang mukha. Walang pangalan.
Pero nararamdaman niya.
Sa wakas, magiging mahimbing na ang tulog niya.
Sa ilusyong ito, walang pighati at pasakit.
Ito ang klase ng realidad na pinapangarap natin.
Pero bakit palagi tayong naghihintay sa dilim?
Bakit mas pinipili natin ang mahimbing na tulog kaysa payapang buhay?
Ito marahil hanggang ngayon ay isa pa ring palaisipan.
Paano Magmahal ang mga Pilipino
“Nagpapatawa ka ba? Mahal mo ako? Kakakilala pa lang natin tapos mahal mo na agad ako? Dapat liligawan mo muna ako. Ililibre mo ako kapag recess at bibilhan mo ako ng cotton candy at papainumin mo ako sa water jug mo. Dapat naghihintay ka na sa gate bago mag-flag ceremony. Dapat dadalhin mo ‘tong bag ko at aakbayan mo ako kapag maraming tao. Tatanungin mo ako kung anong shampoo ko. At kapag nataya ako sa touching runner, ikaw ang magpapataya. Dapat ako lang ang laman ng heart mo. At bilang kapalit, lagi kitang papakainin ng baon ko tuwing lunch.”
Ito ang mga salitang binitiwan ng isang grade 3 schooler na si Elsa Mangahas (Kim Molina) kay “Tommy”, isang anatomy model sa loob ng eskwelahan, sa pelikulang “Jowable” sa direksyon ni Darryl Yap na ipinalabas noong nakaraang taong 2019.
Ito ay halimbawa ng isang kaugalian ng mga Pilipino na sa tingin ko ay hinding hindi kailanman mabubuwag－ang pagiging mapagmahal.
Sabi nila Love comes in all forms. Totoo naman, lalo na sa kulturang mayroon ang mga Pilipino, may iba’t ibang paraan tayo ng manipestasyon ng pagpapakita at pagpaparamdam nito sa kahit na sino, maski sa kahit na ano pa ‘yan. Kaya naman mayroon akong ilang ibibigay pero sa konteksto ng kontemporaryong panahon. Paano nga ba magmahal ang mga Pilipino? Para saan at para kanino?
- Over the Monthsary/Anniversary Counter
Ito ‘yung klase ng pagmamahal ng mga Pilipino sa mga mag-asawa pero mas madalas ay sa mga magkasintahan. Kung saan bawat buwan ay kailangan nilangin sa kalendaryo kung ilang buwan na silang nagsasama. Mas matagal na pagsasama, mas nakakabuo ng matatag na pundasyon. Isa pa, dahil sa lubos na pagmamahal ng mga Pilipino sa pamilya, napakalaking bagay para sa atin ang pagdurugtung ng lahi. Kaya minsan ay napakahirap sa ilan nating kababayan na tanggapin ang pagmamahal sa bahaghari dahil nakakulong pa rin tayo sa konsepto na ang pagmamahalan ay nasa pagitan lamang ng isang babae at isang lalaki.
2. Mapagmahalnatics
Ito ay ang mga masasabi nating nasa loob ng fanclubs, sila ‘yung mga nagmamahal sa mga nagmamahalan. Mas mararamdaman mo ‘yung klase ng pagmamahal na ito kapag naglabas ang paborito nilang mga artista sa youtube vlog tungkol sa date nila sa Intramuros o kaya sa bakasyon nila sa ibang bansa. Higit pa rito ay ang kamakailan lamang na nagimbal ang lahat noong naghiwalay at nasambit pa sa isyu ng pangangaliwa ang isa sa kanila. Para sa ilan, sila na ang imahe ng perpektong relasyon pero nauwi pa rin sa wala, dahil wala naman talagang perpektong relasyon. Aww. Hindi naman masamang mahalin sila, ang mali ay iyong tayo ang nagdidikta sa mga desisyon nila sa buhay dahil ang tunay na pag-ibig ay hindi dapat nakakasakal.
3. Heart Reacts
Ito naman ay ang madalas nating makita sa social media o ‘yung tinatawag nating viral post. Halimbawa nito ay ang batang nagsisikap mag-aral sa tapat ng poste dahil mahal niya ang edukasyon at pangarap niya. Mayroon ding hindi nag-alinlangang isama sa loob ng paaralan ang kapatid dahil walang ibang magbabantay sa bahay nila na indikasyon lamang na hindi mo kailangan mamili sa dalawang bagay na mahalaga para sa isang tao. Isa pa ay ang pagmamahal ng isang guro sa isang aso, na hanggang sa kabilang buhay ay hinding-hindi ka iiwan dahil ang isang tunay na pag-ibig ay dapat nasusuklian ng isa pang pag-ibig.
4. Sa Linggong Pag-ibig
Ito ang isang klase ng pagmamahal ng mga Pilipino na mas madalas maramdaman sa araw ng Linggo partikular sa mga simbahan. Malakas ang pananampalataya nating mga Pilipino sa kung anong relihiyon natin, kaya nga siguro nagbunga ito ng mas marami pang religious institution. Malalim ang pinanghuhugutan ng kaugaliang ito, mula sa naipasa sa atin sa pagiging kolonya ng ilang daang taon, mas nakatatak sa kaluluwa natin ang sinasabi ng paniniwala natin kaysa sa bansang pinanggalingan nito. Gayundin sa pagiging deboto sa pagdiriwang ng iba’t ibang pista para sa iba’t ibang santo sa iba’t ibang parte ng bansa. Halimbawa na ang Traslacion, na nagpapakita sa kung paano natin ibigay ang buong pasensya, sakripisyo at pagtitiwala natin para lang sa relihiyon. Pasensya, na sa loob ng isang buong araw na pila mahagkan lamang ang rebulto. Sakripisyo, dahil titiisin ang siksikan at init makalapit lamang maski sa lubid. Pagtitiwala, na matutulungan tayo sa mga pagsubok na kinakaharap natin. Ngunit dahil din dito ay mayroong ilang nagmamahal nang nakapikit. Sa pagiging konserbatibo ng ilan, hindi na naayon sa konteksto ng kasalukuyan ang ilang usapin katulad ng safe sex education at divorce.
5. Miss U
Sa kabila ng pagkakaiba-iba ng mga tradisyon at kultura ng mga Pilipino, naipapakita ang pagsuporta na maiangat ang kagandahan at katalinuhang taglay ng bawat Pilipina sa mga Beauty Pageant katulad ng Miss Universe. Hindi naman talaga imposible para sa atin na iangat ang isang adbokasiya sa pamamagitan ng pagkakaisa at pagmamahal. Isang magandang paraan ito ng paglabas ng natatanging pagkakakilanlan at pagpapatingkad sa kulay ng Pilipinas dahil lamang watawat at pangalan ng bansa ang bitbit ng kandidata, kundi ang buong kasaysayan, sining at kultura ng bawat may lahing Pilipino.
6. DU30 (Dirty) Love
Sa pagiging lubos na mapagmahal ng mga Pilipino, maging sa politika ay nadadala ang subhetibong pananaw imbes na lohikal at kritikal na pag-iisip. Ang pagiging kabahagi ng politika sa bansa ay nahahati na lamang sa dalawang kulay na isang dahilan kung bakit mayroong pader na naghihiwalay sa isang magandang tunguhin sana para sa bansa. Ang klase ng pag-ibig mayroon dito ay nakaayon sa panandaliang pasarap. Mahal ka at mahal mo, nang mahigit isang buwan kada anim na taon tuwing kampanya. Mahal ka at mahal mo, dahil sa iniabot sa’yong praktikal na regalo katulad ng isang kilong bigas at isang sobreng may laman. Mahal ka at mahal mo, tuwing napapasaya ka sa mga indak at masayang tugtugin. Mahal ka at mahal mo, dahil sinabing kaya ka niyang protektahan. Mahal ka at mahal mo, dahil sinabing ibibigay niya ang pagbabago. Mahal ka at mahal mo, pero kamao ang sumasalubong sa’yo.
Mahal na mahal mo, pero hindi lang pala ikaw ang minamahal. May bahid pala ng mga lihim at ibang pakay. Mahal na mahal mo, pero kaya kang saktan hanggang mamatay. Hindi ganito ang tunay na pagmamahal.
Ilan lang ito sa mga nais kong ibigay na punto sa kung gaano lubos magmahal tayong mga Pilipino. Pero may mali, mali tayo ng minamahal. Dahil hindi bukas ang puso at isip natin para mahalin nang buong buo ang Inang Bayan. Kung maituturo lamang ito ng maayos, at mauunawaan ng bawat isang Pilipino, naniniwala akong malayo ang mararating ng pagmamahal na kaya nating ibigay.
At tayo, bilang isang guro sa Agham Panlipunan, malaki ang gampanin natin na maibigay at pagtibayin ang pundasyon ng identidad ng bansa sa pamamagitan ng kasaysayan dahil magkakaroon lamang ito ng saysay kung maitutuwid natin hanggang sa hangarin ng hinaharap. Marunong na tayo magmahal, pero para kanino natin iaalay ang pag-ibig natin?
Welcome!
Hi! My name’s Keyan.
It’s not my real name though but my nickname’s nickname instead.
I will start putting some of my thoughts and works here either for academic purposes as writing literature, book reviews and chapter summary…
or…
just some shit of how my life is going on.
Tracing back the footsteps I created, reminiscing the memories of how I was before.
Maybe I’ll start re-telling you some chapters of my life through this blog, but for now, you could listen to this song as I definitely assumes that this was written for me.
I hope you get to enjoy!
I’m not really a fan of expressing oneself through words, though I was before, so please bare with me as I find it hard and maybe unlikely choose the wrong words and scrabbling spaces.
I hope this will get to help me a lot. And you’ll be with me until I have finally decided to know how I would want my life is going to be.
Introduce Yourself (Example Post)
This is an example post, originally published as part of Blogging University. Enroll in one of our ten programs, and start your blog right.
You’re going to publish a post today. Don’t worry about how your blog looks. Don’t worry if you haven’t given it a name yet, or you’re feeling overwhelmed. Just click the “New Post” button, and tell us why you’re here.
Why do this?
- Because it gives new readers context. What are you about? Why should they read your blog?
- Because it will help you focus you own ideas about your blog and what you’d like to do with it.
The post can be short or long, a personal intro to your life or a bloggy mission statement, a manifesto for the future or a simple outline of your the types of things you hope to publish.
To help you get started, here are a few questions:
- Why are you blogging publicly, rather than keeping a personal journal?
- What topics do you think you’ll write about?
- Who would you love to connect with via your blog?
- If you blog successfully throughout the next year, what would you hope to have accomplished?
You’re not locked into any of this; one of the wonderful things about blogs is how they constantly evolve as we learn, grow, and interact with one another — but it’s good to know where and why you started, and articulating your goals may just give you a few other post ideas.
Can’t think how to get started? Just write the first thing that pops into your head. Anne Lamott, author of a book on writing we love, says that you need to give yourself permission to write a “crappy first draft”. Anne makes a great point — just start writing, and worry about editing it later.
When you’re ready to publish, give your post three to five tags that describe your blog’s focus — writing, photography, fiction, parenting, food, cars, movies, sports, whatever. These tags will help others who care about your topics find you in the Reader. Make sure one of the tags is “zerotohero,” so other new bloggers can find you, too.
THOUGHTS 